2025

June

Jun.15.Sun

After the opera mentioned in the previous rambling, I obviously sat myself down and got absorbed into this website project. I did a lot of coding, writing, planning, and some drawing as well. I wrote the blog post rather early on in the session, so I didn't know at the time, but I ended up working on this project throughout the night and straight on into the next day. I think I went for fourteen hours straight without even noticing. I kept expecting to get tired enough to finally go to bed at some point, but it just never seemed to come, so I didn't notice how much time had passed until I ran out of ideas and finally noticed the time. I wish I could say that kind of thing is unusual for me, but it's not. I know it's not good for me, but when I can't sleep, I literally cannot sleep, no matter how tired I feel physically or mentally. It has become less common over the years due to medication and the cutting of caffienated soda and tea from my diet, but it still pops up occasionally and can wreak havoc on my routines and general mental health. I'm not doing the greatest job of balancing my mental health needs and the rest of my life, to be honest. I'm learning, slowly but surely, but it's really hard in the meantime. This whole website creation thing is really something special. For once, I don't feel drained after engaging in a hobby that I enjoy. I almost have more energy than when I went in. There's a lot of variety in what I can do and how challenging it is. On a day like today, I can just fiddle with lists and ramble. On days like last Thursady/Friday, I can do anything and eveything I want. I'm almost scared to say it, but I think I found a special interest at last.
I'm prone to having hyperfixations, I'm always cycling between hobbies and topics, and always just when I think I'll finally settle into just one or two constants, I move on to the next thing. Knitting, crochet, tatting, quilting, various video games, art, various media inerests, technology-related interests and on and on and on. It makes me feel unmoored, adrift; as though the foundations of my very being are on unstable ground. I think I've found it every time, but something feels different with this one: the intensity and obsession just aren't there anymore; they've already passed. But I'm still here, enjoying this. It makes me feel good without my brain getting in its own way and ruining it. It's not a chore just to get started (even if I end up enjoying it after I have), and I don't feel pressured or like I'm doing it wrong. It's nice. I really want this to be the one. I really need it. I just want to finally feel settled.

Jun.13.Fri

The first opera of the season was yesterday and it was fantastic, as usual. Last night's show was Verdi's Rigoletto, which I was quite excited for. The story sounded right up my alley and Verdi is my favorite composer, especially where vocals are concerned. I was not disappointed. The performers were perfectly cast to their roles, especially Gilda (I can't remember the singer's name, I'll look it up later). Her voice is astonishingly beautiful and her control incredibly precise. Words cannot begin to describe just how amazing her performace was. She's definitely won a fan with this one. And the staging was excellent, especially during the climax. Throughout the performance, a see-through dark curtain was used to split the front and back of the stage. This allowed the audience to see what was going on while making it clear that whoever was in front of the curtain could not see what was going on behind it and vice versa. It was also used for some internal-monologue-type solos. Writing it out, it doesn't sound that fancy, but something about it really stuck with me. I especially liked its use in the very last scene, [Major Spoilers, hidden until I learn how to make things toggleable sorry :( ] sepearating the spirit of Rigoletto's daughter, Gilda, from where he was cradling her body and begging her not to go. Bright white light eminated from the side of the stage, as though the gates of Heaven were right there, waiting to recieve her. She reaches out, begs her father to let her go and to forgive her, but he cannot hear. There's a moment, at the peak of his anguish, where he seems to finally see her there. They reach out towards each other, but cannot reach through the curtain. Rigoletto despairs his loss and behind him, Gilda walks into the light until it consumes her form completely.

Something really interesting about opera, when compared to other forms of media, is how complex the characters are. Most of the ones I've seen have one of the main characters start out as a massive dick, but somehow you end up rooting for them: cheering at their successes; laughing with them; crying with them; grieving for them. It all just feels so powerful. Even when you know how the story ends, the tension builds and builds and you get so swept up in the experience that its easy to forget what you know and just become immersed in the world being painted before you. There is truly nothing so special as the opera.